I haven’t blogged for over a year. I have been clinging to the slimy, lone limb bobbing and thrashing wildly in the rapids of a rushing treacherous river and sucking up air while swallowing huge gulps of water at the same time.
This past season has been the roughest of my life, akin to the bark on the river birch tree in our back yard. It peels, it’s jagged, it’s uneven, and it’s trying to be protective of what lies beneath. It’s beautiful in its own way, but it’s anything but smooth.
I have to continue on with another year of grad school on top of teaching psychology half time and running the library full time at my high school. This is my dream. This is my 7th year of higher education. Why, then, do I resent the summertime work and all the requirements to gain my teaching license? This is my story, this is my song… cursing my workload all the day long.
I need to stop it. The complaining, I mean.
I have been sitting a lot for the last couple of days, just being silent and trying to analyze what in the hell my problem could be rooted in. The other morning, I was just sitting, gazing mindlessly around our paradise-like, homey, lively and thriving flora and fauna from the back porch seat, sipping coffee. I noticed the reflection of the water from our pond flashing across the leaves from the bush above it in a rippled, twinkly, floating-through-the-Milky-Way fashion. It stopped me in my mind-bubble tracks.
That was it. That was my schoolwork encapsulated.
SIT STILL AND APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE GROWING AND KNOWLEDGE IS DAPPLING INTO YOU LIKE THE WATER AND SUNLIGHT. YOU ARE PHOTOSYNTHESIS. GIVE IT TIME. NATURE NEVER HURRIES AND LOOK WHAT IT PRODUCES.
BE PATIENT. Be – patient – right – now.
That might not be that amazing to you. It was a revolutionary thought to me in the moment.
I’m a mess. I think I’ll never NOT be a mess. My standards are too high. I’m needy. I’m insecure. I’m just tryin’ to move forward and do what my passions dictate, no matter what the temporary work load entails. I can be tough. I can be an m-er f’n badass in the gym, which are from days gone by (another struggle for another blog- time). I am not tough in this new educational Thunder Dome. I’ve been hanging by a rung and my arm is about out of the socket from the gravitational pressure on it.
Hm. So.
Another key I’ve unlocked is that MY PERSONAL CREATIVITY FOR CREATIVITY’S SAKE NEEDS TO BE AWAKE (i.e. blogging, sewing, building, coloring, decorating,) even in the middle of all my professional responsibilities. Neglecting that robs my soul and depletes my spirit. I’m not managing my time well. My huge, hairy list of projects and self-creativie indulgences is not getting crossed off. Not to mention the hundreds of books I want to read are not getting read.
If you are my friend, please keep reminding me of photosynthesis and grace. K, thanks. And thanks for listening. Do you relate to this? I’d love to hear.
Definitely, I can relate, my dear friend. And this feeling is often cyclical, repeating from time-to-time. Your epiphany was brilliant and we should all remember it or something equally enlightening and uplifting. But we probably won’t. We’re flawed humans who only have a short time on this earth to get everything done. What we fail to realize is that we won’t get everything done, no matter how long our lifetime. There is always new experiences to live and new creative things to be made. Living: is doing the best we can with the time we have. Am I always successful? No. Do I give up? Absolutely Not. I pick and choose what is most important in this moment. Is it the right thing, who knows? Being patient will grow as you grow, but I suspect we will not truly be patient until we can no longer be anything else. Hugs.
Thank you for your kind and wise thoughts, Bonnie! It’s encouraging to know that someone else feels these things as deeply as I do and is committed to feeling them in spite of the difficulty it causes! Hugs back!